Sunday, June 25, 2006
Wal-Mart GreeterA very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.
The Wal-Mart Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7.
Why? Do you think they really look alike?"
"No," replies the greeter,
"I just couldn't believe you actually got laid twice ".
Saturday, June 24, 2006
HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER !You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful
Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a
relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder
if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy
ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it,
but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from
the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here
For dinner. Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that
read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I'm not s aying that
you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if Stephanie
is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY ... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa
found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about
using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very
strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
I know," said Grandpa..."The hundred is from Grandma."
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked younot to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
5 Winning Smart Ass Answers For 2005--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed at her.
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not
your stub."
*****************
Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
*******************
Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop
said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the
cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.
*******************
Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead
of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."
*******************
#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005.......................
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury
or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head
and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
other hand."
